I realized something. Sitting on some grass at a concert, with friends who were there because I wanted to see a pop band and they were gracious enough to join me, I had an important revelation about myself. I wondered why I liked this particular band when I’m not a big fan of the genre in general and they weren’t particularly special when compared to other groups in that genre. What I realized is that the lead singer held conviction in his voice while he sang. He wrote and sang the lyrics of his songs with noticeable passion. I thought about a couple of other things in my life and realized that what I’m drawn to is the passion that other people have. I wonder if that’s something most people are drawn to or if I’m particularly drawn to it because of who I am.
People can have passion for lots of different things – that’s nothing new. I know people who are passionate about: music, children, teaching, photography, other people, writing, religion, and various other things. To me, it’s interesting to see people pour themselves into something they love so much. A thing they feel rewarded by, feel like they can escape to, something they feel is worth all the effort they put into it, something that makes them feel really happy or full. There’s a lot of evidence, at least to me, when someone is passionate about something. It’s easy to see that they love an activity or love a process or whatever the case may be. It isn’t always easy to go out and do the same thing all the time, I’m not saying it should be. But I can tell when people feel the hard work is worth the outcome. The process may not be always the best part, but when it’s your passion, then it’s easy to see that you feel your investment is worthwhile.
Thinking about passion, my own personality and who I am – I think I know why I’m drawn to it. The reason is that I don’t have passion for really anything. I don’t have anything in my life I feel like I could live without, there’s nothing in life that feels so good that I want to focus all my energy on that one single thing. I find small bits of happiness in a multitude of things but if I was forced to choose one thing to focus all my energy on or die, I would probably choose death. I’m not sure why I’m that way because the results of not being able to focus that attention are pretty bad. I’ve jumped from career to career and consequently have always stayed in low-paying positions, I’ve never been able to get really good at one hobby or sport – I’m just pretty mediocre at several different ones which means I don’t stand out in any activity and I really like standing out.
I’m not really sure of the relationship between passion and purpose. I don’t think they are the same but I feel like some would argue that point. Maybe they are the same for some people and not for others. I hope so because not having purpose seems more discouraging than not being passionate. Right now, my purpose seems pretty clear – ensure the little humans I’m responsible for do not die. Essentially that’s it. I have lots more than I can be doing but I think that’s true for 99% of people living in a developed country. I’m not sure what to think about myself and a passion. Do I have to learn to accept that some people just aren’t like that? Do I simply just have to stop being so lazy and just decide on one thing and put everything I have into that? I really don’t know. I’m not sure if that trait is an attractive one or not but I know I don’t care – I am what I am and I don’t want to be anything else. I just want to enhance myself as much as possible without losing any authenticity. I wonder about that whole premise as well: do people have to make an effort to be who they really are? Thinking about who I am and what I do is just something that I do. It feels as though other people just let their reflexes rule themselves, that’s who they are, nothing deeper is going on. That seems like a less complicated way to go through life. That’s not me though – I analyze my reflexes after they are used. It’s not a choice I get to make, that’s just a function of the way my brain works and believe me, if I could switch it off, I would.
I can tell you this. Having revelations about yourself is such a gratifying moment. It was one of those times that something just clicked. So much of how I think and so many parts of my historical story made more sense. I was dumbfounded that I hadn’t realized this before because it was so obvious to me after. But I know that’s another part of who I am, I have a hard time seeing my own self. Another thing I’m forced to think about.