Mistakes

“And all our sins come back to haunt us in the end… to hang around and tap us on the shoulder.” – Straylight Run – Mistakes We Knew We Were Making

The reason why Christians come-off as superior and judgemental individuals is because Christians are taught that they are that. Every day at Sunday school, church, weeknight clubs, bible studies, concerts, events, in songs and books and basically everything else you can think of, Christians are taught that God made them special, not as a group per se, but as individuals. God loves a person like a father will love a daughter, or a mother will love a son. Well it’s really impossible for that to be true if you really think about it.

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I started off by explaining how Christians think about themselves because that’s how I thought about myself for awhile. I was special. I had something no one else had, I knew I was going to do something to change the world because I wasn’t like everyone else. I left my Christian faith probably a couple of years ago now. But I still kept that feeling. Not that I was better than anyone else as a person, but I never stopped thinking in my own head that I was a different kind of person. I didn’t really hurt people, like their souls, or psyches, or their emotions. I care a lot about other people and I always made an effort to put other people first. Lots of other people live selfishly and hurt lots of people just by living the way they want to, but I wasn’t one of those people, I wasn’t capable of something like that… I thought.

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I’m not entirely sure how much the 30 or so people that read this blog know about my recent history. I’ve hurt people in the exact way I thought I was never capable of. And I don’t say this lightly, I’ve deeply hurt these people; their emotions, maybe even their souls and their psyches too. I’ve broken a few hearts and a few promises as well. The very worst part is knowing that the hearts and promises I broke weren’t my own. I made promises to other people who fully expected me to keep them, and I simply didn’t. Those people have a choice, they don’t have to keep me around in their lives. They can choose to cease whatever contact they have with me and they never have to re-live the pain if they don’t really want to.

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The second worst part is that I broke my own heart and I broke promises I made to myself that I fully intended on keeping. The difference is that I don’t get to escape myself. (Suicide is always an option I guess, but I’m not brave enough for that.) I have to live with the mistakes I made, every day. I completely understand that I am not the mistakes I made, I wont let it define me. I know that I won’t repeat the same mistakes I’ve made, I’ll never break another heart ever again if I can help it. The problem here lies with that person I always thought I was. I thought I was special. I thought I could be something different, an example that humanity is inherently good. I’m not that person and I never can be now. I know that I have the rest of whatever is left of my life to be better, but I’ll never forget the things I did, the people I hurt, and the hearts I broke. I’ll never be special again, I will always know that I came back from something. I’ll remember that I have these lessons because I learned them the hard way, not because I am just that good of a person inherently. In my mind I was a certain kind of person, and I shattered that view. I’m living with a shattered view of who I am, and now I have to build a new one. One of the most unfortunate parts is that I have to do this on my own, and I typically don’t/cant do things on my own.

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I’m not sure where this leaves me and I’m not sure how long it takes for this kind of stuff to stop wearing on my heart. I’m functional, that’s for sure, if you met me on the street, you wouldn’t thing anything is really going on deep inside me. But there is lots churning in my brain, my heart and my stomach. If I hang out with you, you’re not the primary thing on my mind and the only thing that changes this is ingesting something that alters my my mind. I’m not an addict to anything by any means, but it’s the only time I know my brain turns everything else off.

I know what I can be going forward, and that’s what I’m going to be, something that’s good. Hopefully other people will see that too. But in my head there’s going to always be an asterisk indicating the potential I had. What I once was or what I could have been if I made better decisions. It doesn’t matter what I do from here on out, nothing makes up for the things you wish you hadn’t done.

– Ben

 

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